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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26385595">Healing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyNyx/pseuds/MistyNyx'>MistyNyx</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SEVENTEEN (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Established Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, im so sorry i wanted my first soonwoo au to be cute but shit happened, my way to cope this should in no way be romanticized(the abuse), soonwoo, soonyoung is sad and gay because he is me, soonyoung’s been hurt for a while, unbetaed because im a little bitch, wonwoo emotional support boy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:09:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,339</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26385595</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyNyx/pseuds/MistyNyx</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Wonwoo and Soonyoung have been officially dating for four months and Soonyoung knew it was bound to happen at one point but nothing actually prepares you for it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jeon Wonwoo/Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Healing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>tw // sexual abuse , panic attack ,  toxic behavior , based on my experience<br/>decided not to make it graphic</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>And that was the breaking point.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not the heated kisses, not the smooth hands running up and down his sides as a loving gesture, not the soft words murmured into his skin after each peck Wonwoo left while tracing his exposed neck. It was him, and his silence who broke. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he was so scared of ruining it, he was finally finding happiness, four months into a relationship he never thought he could afford having nor deserve with a guy that just couldn’t be described as nothing more but an angel. Someone real, someone that genuinely cared and just wanted Soonyoung’s happiness, and oh how Soonyoung was afraid of losing that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His mind just fogged, he could only remember that day it all happened all of the sudden. Trembling with unfocused eyes and irrational breathing, he felt so small once again. The terrifying feeling of the lack of control over his own body came back and he just paralyzed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Soon- hey, hey look at me” Wonwoo looked up to find him completely frozen and out of it. “Soon, what's wrong? Please talk to me just-” He completely moved himself from his body and immediately tucked Soonyoung’s clothes back into place. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Soon listen to me, i need you to calm down and breathe with me” The way he stared at Wonwoo broke his heart and Wonwoo was so glad he already grounded Soonyoung once but it wasn’t like this, Soonyoung never got to a point like this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A blanket was wrapped around him and soft hands removed each and every strand of hair on his face and cupped it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here, look at me and breathe with me” And so Wonwoo inhaled and Soonyoung followed, one, two, three and both exhaled, like that they kept repeating the same breathing pattern for what Wonwoo supposed were 5 minutes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There, how are you feeling?” Wonwoo said while giving him the warmest, softest gaze that Soonyoung just thought about breaking down again and again both out of guilt and love.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I really need to tell you something Wonwoo and i trust you so much but i was handling it so well and i lost it, i fucking lost- i don’t know i just- my mind just fogged and-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey hey stop, you are not breathing. Baby go slow, it’s okay but i need you to relax i got you” He gestured Soonyoung a wordless ‘its okay if i hold you’ and Soonyoung breathed deeply and nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonwoo felt him relaxing against his own body, reaching both of his hands to hold Soonyoung’s and warm them up like Soonyoung would do for him during winter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take your time, you are not forced to speak if you don't want-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But i want” Soonyoung cut him off “Wonwoo i need to get it out of my chest and i trust you and it's just constantly haunting me and i just feel like i will explode right now and i feel so dirty, please” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonwoo was not prepared for this, well, who even prepares you to confront it and who prepares you to suffer it like Soonyoung did? so Wonwoo listened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just felt dirty and even now I feel so useless, Wonwoo and guilty and even if you say it's not, everything that happened was my fault. It’s just always my fucking fault. I allowed so much shit I let myself be used just because I couldn't handle what being alone was and I was so scared of the thought of it at the time. He was my first boyfriend you know, I was so naive. And we kept having fights and everything i did just made him more mad to the point i just couldn’t-didn’t know what else to do and then one day while fighting he said ‘if he have sex everything will be better’ and i was so desperate and so fucking terrified of what my life would be without the made up idea i had of him. I was so fucked up , Wonwoo and im sorry, im so fucking sorry” during those four months dating officially, both Soonyoung and Wonwoo had a silent agreement of where to stop when things got too heated. Just one look at each other's eyes and everything would calm down and end up cuddling. Soonyoung knew this day was bound to happen and saying it terrified him is too little of an expression to his real feelings. “We kept fighting, it was all fights and i still remember that saturday where i went to his house because i wanted to solve things for once and stop fighting over who knows what, that was my mistake” tears were falling from his face onto Wonwoo’s shirt at this point and Wonwoo not once let go of his hands. “He was so rough he didn't even talk or let me talk, he slammed me into a wall and just started kissing me and i thought that maybe if i just let him do whatever he wants it would end faster, i was scared of him, he didn't ask he just took and i let him. I can’t erase his touch and it haunts me. He enjoyed it and I just cried, he loved that but I hated it. I still hate it and I hate myself so much because i should have known better. I should have used my voice. I had just turned eighteen by then you know? and all i can remember about those days is the way i let him use my body as he pleased, it felt awful, it feels awful. He did that too many times. I fucking kept letting myself be used and now im so scared. I'm scared of being used again, not alone. And i know you could never do that because i know you but i just can’t control it. i can’t forgive myself even if I try.” Soonyoung ended it with a sob now shaking under Wonwoo’s hold and Wonwoo just held him tightly. Nothing ever prepares you for it, not at seventeen, not at eighteen not even at twenty one years old you are ready to confront this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonwoo kept rubbing soothing circles on Soonyoung’s back making the tight grip he had on Wonwoo’s shirt slowly loosen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remember when you told me healing takes time?” He felt Soonyoung nodding in the crook of his neck. “But healing also leaves scars forever, and Soonyoung it breaks my heart to see you like this but love you are so fucking strong you hear me? I'm so proud of you. It’s not your fault, it could never be your fault. You should not apologize. You never deserved this. Scars are so ugly in the way they terrorize us but no matter what, i'm here now and i’ll be here tomorrow. I need you to remember that you will always be worth more than he ever gave you, no matter what happens. I don't blame you for being scared. Blaming yourself is something I know I can't stop you from doing, but I can remind you that I love you and know that you did not deserve in any way, even if you feel like you might've at times. You are literally one of the most courageous and bold people I know and the pain that may come behind your strength has only served to turn you into a powerful person. I love you so much Soonyoung I wish i could take all your pain away. I really do.” Ignoring the wetness of his own cheeks he placed a kiss on the top of Soonyoung’s head and they just stayed like that for a while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a comfortable silence, a needed one. Both of them needed to digest it all. Again, it’s not simple.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wonwoo?” Soonyoung asked readjusting himself so he could look at his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>red eyes puffy eyes met with each other making the corner of Soonyoung’s lip turn up in pure fondness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm” shot back Wonwoo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>there has been too much going on right now, some of those stuff triggered my own past and all hoshi went through is basically what i lived. i just needed to let it out and this is my way. i don't romanticize abuse in no way, this left me scarred for life. wonwoo’s character is inspired in the person i trust the most in my life.</p><p>stay safe, im here for you.</p><p>thank you for reading.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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